The Casino Jokes Blog

Blondes and Bingo Online

2010-02-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

Here come an another joke from Blondes and Bingo Online!

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night. The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3,500.00 in the pot. The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of "Bingo!" were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the online Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: "I've just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?" All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: "FREE SPACE!"

Casino Poker Jokes

2009-06-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a casino poker joke for NWP members:

Q: What is empty and completely void of general decency?
A: Jewdonk's conscious

Poker Badbeats are just like butt cracks….Everyone has one.

Q: How many poker jokes you can fit in a book?
A: As many as Phil Hellmuth says it's ok to have in it.

Here's a poker joke about Full Tilt Poker Pro Phil Ivey:

Phil Ivey isn't a mind reader.-He just stares at you until you wet your pants and you have to muck your hand.

Here's a poker joke for all you daydreamers:

A man is awaken during sleep by a genie. The genie says that he will grant the man one wish and one wish only. He says that he wants to build a bridge from heaven to his house so that he can visit his dead family and friends. The genie says that that's impossible due to the amount of steel and the logistics of it.

The man retorts, I would like to run good enough that I could win the World Series Of Poker, jokes the man.

The genie responds "Um.. How many lanes you want?"

True Story poker joke:

After playing a session of 2-4 Limit hold em a man walks out of a casino and is approached:

Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."

Here's a religion poker joke:

Q: What is the similarity between a poker room and a church?
A: You both have grown men on their knees begging to "suck out"

A poker joke overheard at a local casino:

Q: What does a casino poker player eat for dinner?
A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.

Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they are all bad.

You know your playing too much poker when your friend tells you a joke and you respond "Wow, that's the nutz"

Two Blondes are playing poker and one says to another I wish I made my "gut-shot".

The other one looks puzzled and says; "Why would you want to get blood all over your shoes?

Here an old poker joke but a good one:

A 12 year old boy comes home from camp and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now go away." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

Q: What's the difference between poker players and politicians?
A: Politicians tell the truth

Heres a great poker joke to tell amongst friends:

Q: What's the difference between Phil Hellmuth and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Phil Hellmuth

Another poker joke for NWP members:

Q: How do you get Micon (or any professional poker player) off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Here's a classic poker joke:

A guy with proper bankroll management, a smart blond and a dumb blond are engaged in a free online casino poker game.
Q: Who do you think will win?
A: The dumb blond, obviously. Because the other two don't even exist!

Good poker joke for online players:

Q: What's the difference between online poker and live poker?
A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.

Poker joke for all you fish:

Q: Where does a professional poker player meet all his opponents?
A: The aquarium.

Q: When do poker jokes/bad beats go out of style?
A: When there's no one listening to them.

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My God, why have you forsaken me?

2009-06-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask god for help.

He begins to pray... "god, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery"

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the casino lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of god Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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Rabbi, minister, and priest

2009-05-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing casino poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

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The Deaf - Mute Lesson

2009-05-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

A group of life long friends from the same Chicago street spent a weekend gambling vacation in Las Vegas.

They all agreed if one of them won big they would treat the others to another gambling break next holiday.

One of the men on the gambling trip won $100,000 playing blackjack.

Remembering the agreement to treat the group if one of them won big he didn’t want anyone to know about his blackjack winnings, so decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, he arrived back at 3 a.m.

Believing he was safe, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the blackjack money in it.

The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.

He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute friend.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.

Grabbing his gun in anger, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house.

“You tell this SOB that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his deaf friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree, I wasn’t going to keep it, I did it to teach him a lesson for being so cheap and underhanded!”

The professor turned to the enraged man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first!"

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Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

2009-05-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

1. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
2. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
3. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
4. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
5. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
6. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
7. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
8. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
9. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
10. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.

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Poker Club

2009-05-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

Two guys go into a poker club, and head for the back room with the two high limit tables. They whisper a little back and forth, point at some people, then split up and each sit at a table.

The first guy is playing pretty and wild, throwing away money like it doesn't mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can't help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he's obviously got lots of it. So he asks him "Say, what do you do for a living?"

The guy answers "I bet people".

"Huh?" says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.

"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."

"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn't bet that."

"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game was pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."

The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can't see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can't resist. You don't get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.

Strangely enough, the guy's play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can't help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn't such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?

After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.

"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"

"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.

"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.

"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn't even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I'm going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."

The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can't help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish's fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he'll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger's friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner's balls, then releases them and says, "You're right. You win the bet."

The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger's friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "FUCK YOU! YOU BASTARD, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

The casino owner, curious about these strange events, asks the stranger, "I don't get it. If you make losing bets like that, how do you make money? And why is your friend so pissed?"

"One answer should do for both.", replies the stranger smugly. "While we were parking, I bet my friend fifty grand that before an hour of playing went by, I'd have the owner of the casino by the balls."

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Doctor Humour

2009-05-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

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Terrifying Bus Ride

2009-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Two groups chartered a double-decker bus to visit the casino in Atlantic City, one group was all blondes and the other was a group from the retirement home. The retirement home group rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde group rides on the top level.

Soon their journey begins and bottom group is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

Being a fine gentleman, he decides to get up and investigate. When he reaches the top, he finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. He says, "What the heck's going on up here?" We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

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A Dogged Game of Poker

2009-04-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

Shadow Al shows up at our night casino poker game with his dog, Holly. The dog jumps on an empty seat and Al buys him some chips.

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by Al says, "Hey, deal my dog in!" We all look rather askance but we deal him in. To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play! After a few hands Groomster says, "Al, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guinness Book of Records!"

Al says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

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Blackjack Tip

2009-03-31T00:45:00.000-07:00

A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

Source Casino Joke: http://www.beejack.com/casino/Gambling-Casino-Jokes.shtml
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Lost Shirt

2009-03-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket.

If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the long line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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Blondes Are Not Dumb

2009-03-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

2 bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a beautiful blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''

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10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

2009-03-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

1.You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
3. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
5. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace. 10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."

Casino Joke Source: http://www.gamblingjokes.com/joke_41.htm
Image Source: http://www.gamblingcartoon.com/gambling-cartoons.gif

I'm Home

2009-03-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

Two men were at the Casino and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.

Man1: You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.

Credit goes to CasinoJokes.net

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Two friends and the Slot Machines

2009-03-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.

Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"

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Bill Gates Chooses Heaven or Hell

2009-02-25T20:51:00.001-08:00

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says : You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell".

Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.

So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?

The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."

Giving Thanks and Credited to: http://www.casinos.net/billgateschoosesheavenorhell.htm

Lost Shirt

2009-02-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket.

If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the long line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went. As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

This Casino Joke is credited and thanks to http://www.casinojokes.net/lostshirt.htm

Internet Casino Lottery

2009-02-18T19:26:00.000-08:00

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Clara!, i want you to pack up your things. I just won the lottery in an internet casino!"

Carla replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

The credits for the joke goes to the place where you can find tons casino jokes is at CasinoJokes.net

Put Money Here

2009-01-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

Cartoon by Dave Walker. A place to find more casino cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog.

Is it Serious?

2009-01-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

A doctor answers his headset and hears the friendly tone of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for casino poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," thought the doctor . As he was putting on his coat, his partner asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, utterly intense," said the physician gravely. "In detail, there are three doctors there already!"

I'll take an Eight

2009-01-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

A black jack dealer and a player with a thirteen view in his hand were arguing about about whether it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's burden. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer clearly had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the attendant?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.

Trip to Las Vegas

2008-12-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

Three buddies firm to take their wives on trip for a week in Las Vegas to play in casino. The week flew by, and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at relax and discussed their trip.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers 7 come 11 all night and I port't had a sparkle of doze!"

The instant guy says, "I know what you mean... My old lady played blackjack the totality time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard' and I port't had a sparkle of slumber moreover!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the totality time we were there and I waken up each morning with a sore willie and an ass satisfied of quarters."

The Last Dime

2008-12-18T20:06:00.001-08:00

George was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. He walked into the men's room and to his surprise, the stall was open. Feeling better about his luck, he used his last dime in a slots machine and hit the jackpot.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, George went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

George replied, "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the bathroom stall open!" read more

The Las Vegas Gambling Trip Joke

2008-12-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

A group from Chicago spent a weekend casino gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won £100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found the hole empty. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my £100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first." read more

What a Moron!

2008-12-10T20:43:00.000-08:00

Two friends, Harry and Potter, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go set on the bench and wait for the other to finish.

Potter quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited some more. After what seemed an eternity, he saw Harry coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins.

"Hey, Potter," said Harry, "how'd you do?" "Well, Harry", said Potter, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Harry, "did I ever find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you - you can't lose! Every time you put in a buck four quarters come out!" source

Bill Gates Chooses Heaven or Hell

2008-12-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, casino & gambling. So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex? The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."

You're Going to Hate Fridays

2008-12-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow, that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: 'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). Then you're going to hate Fridays.

Not all Blondes are Dumb

2008-12-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.