Sunday, May 31, 2009

Rabbi, minister, and priest

Rabbi | casino

minister | slots

priest | blackjack










Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing casino poker when the police raid the game.


Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"


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Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Deaf - Mute Lesson

The Deaf - Mute Lesson | casino

A group of life long friends from the same Chicago street spent a weekend gambling vacation in Las Vegas.

They all agreed if one of them won big they would treat the others to another gambling break next holiday.

One of the men on the gambling trip won $100,000 playing blackjack.

Remembering the agreement to treat the group if one of them won big he didn’t want anyone to know about his blackjack winnings, so decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, he arrived back at 3 a.m.

Believing he was safe, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the blackjack money in it.

The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.

He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute friend.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.

Grabbing his gun in anger, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house.

“You tell this SOB that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his deaf friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree, I wasn’t going to keep it, I did it to teach him a lesson for being so cheap and underhanded!”

The professor turned to the enraged man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first!"

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling


1. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
2. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
3. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
4. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
5. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
6. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
7. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
8. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
9. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
10. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.


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Thursday, May 7, 2009

Poker Club

two men | online casinos
Two guys go into a poker club, and head for the back room with the two high limit tables. They whisper a little back and forth, point at some people, then split up and each sit at a table.

The first guy is playing pretty and wild, throwing away money like it doesn't mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can't help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he's obviously got lots of it. So he asks him "Say, what do you do for a living?"

The guy answers "I bet people".

"Huh?" says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.

"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."

"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn't bet that."

"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game was pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."

The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can't see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can't resist. You don't get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.

Strangely enough, the guy's play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can't help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn't such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?

After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.

"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"

"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.

"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.

"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn't even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I'm going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."

The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can't help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish's fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he'll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger's friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner's balls, then releases them and says, "You're right. You win the bet."

The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger's friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "FUCK YOU! YOU BASTARD, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

The casino owner, curious about these strange events, asks the stranger, "I don't get it. If you make losing bets like that, how do you make money? And why is your friend so pissed?"

"One answer should do for both.", replies the stranger smugly. "While we were parking, I bet my friend fifty grand that before an hour of playing went by, I'd have the owner of the casino by the balls."

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Doctor Humour

Doctor Humour | free online casino games
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, there are three doctors there already!"



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