Blondes and Bingo Online

Here come an another joke from Blondes and Bingo Online!

It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night. The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3,500.00 in the pot. The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of "Bingo!" were heard.

The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the online Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: "I've just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?" All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: "FREE SPACE!"

Casino Poker Jokes

Here's a casino poker joke for NWP members:

Q: What is empty and completely void of general decency?
A: Jewdonk's conscious

Poker Badbeats are just like butt cracks….Everyone has one.

Q: How many poker jokes you can fit in a book?
A: As many as Phil Hellmuth says it's ok to have in it.

Here's a poker joke about Full Tilt Poker Pro Phil Ivey:

Phil Ivey isn't a mind reader.-He just stares at you until you wet your pants and you have to muck your hand.

Here's a poker joke for all you daydreamers:

A man is awaken during sleep by a genie. The genie says that he will grant the man one wish and one wish only. He says that he wants to build a bridge from heaven to his house so that he can visit his dead family and friends. The genie says that that's impossible due to the amount of steel and the logistics of it.

The man retorts, I would like to run good enough that I could win the World Series Of Poker, jokes the man.

The genie responds "Um.. How many lanes you want?"

True Story poker joke:

After playing a session of 2-4 Limit hold em a man walks out of a casino and is approached:

Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."

Here's a religion poker joke:

Q: What is the similarity between a poker room and a church?
A: You both have grown men on their knees begging to "suck out"

A poker joke overheard at a local casino:

Q: What does a casino poker player eat for dinner?
A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.

Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they are all bad.

You know your playing too much poker when your friend tells you a joke and you respond "Wow, that's the nutz"

Two Blondes are playing poker and one says to another I wish I made my "gut-shot".

The other one looks puzzled and says; "Why would you want to get blood all over your shoes?

Here an old poker joke but a good one:

A 12 year old boy comes home from camp and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now go away." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

Q: What's the difference between poker players and politicians?
A: Politicians tell the truth

Heres a great poker joke to tell amongst friends:

Q: What's the difference between Phil Hellmuth and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Phil Hellmuth

Another poker joke for NWP members:

Q: How do you get Micon (or any professional poker player) off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Here's a classic poker joke:

A guy with proper bankroll management, a smart blond and a dumb blond are engaged in a free online casino poker game.
Q: Who do you think will win?
A: The dumb blond, obviously. Because the other two don't even exist!

Good poker joke for online players:

Q: What's the difference between online poker and live poker?
A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.

Poker joke for all you fish:

Q: Where does a professional poker player meet all his opponents?
A: The aquarium.

Q: When do poker jokes/bad beats go out of style?
A: When there's no one listening to them.

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My God, why have you forsaken me?

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask god for help.

He begins to pray... "god, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery"

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the casino lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of god Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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Rabbi, minister, and priest

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing casino poker when the police raid the game.

Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling.

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

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The Deaf - Mute Lesson

A group of life long friends from the same Chicago street spent a weekend gambling vacation in Las Vegas.

They all agreed if one of them won big they would treat the others to another gambling break next holiday.

One of the men on the gambling trip won $100,000 playing blackjack.

Remembering the agreement to treat the group if one of them won big he didn’t want anyone to know about his blackjack winnings, so decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, he arrived back at 3 a.m.

Believing he was safe, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the blackjack money in it.

The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.

He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute friend.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.

Grabbing his gun in anger, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house.

“You tell this SOB that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000 I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor.

The professor conveyed the message to his deaf friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree, I wasn’t going to keep it, I did it to teach him a lesson for being so cheap and underhanded!”

The professor turned to the enraged man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first!"

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Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

1. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
2. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
3. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
4. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
5. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
6. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
7. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
8. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
9. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
10. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.

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Poker Club

Two guys go into a poker club, and head for the back room with the two high limit tables. They whisper a little back and forth, point at some people, then split up and each sit at a table.

The first guy is playing pretty and wild, throwing away money like it doesn't mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can't help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he's obviously got lots of it. So he asks him "Say, what do you do for a living?"

The guy answers "I bet people".

"Huh?" says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.

"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."

"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn't bet that."

"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game was pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."

The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can't see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can't resist. You don't get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.

Strangely enough, the guy's play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can't help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn't such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?

After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.

"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"

"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.

"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.

"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn't even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I'm going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."

The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can't help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish's fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he'll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger's friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner's balls, then releases them and says, "You're right. You win the bet."

The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger's friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "FUCK YOU! YOU BASTARD, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"

The casino owner, curious about these strange events, asks the stranger, "I don't get it. If you make losing bets like that, how do you make money? And why is your friend so pissed?"

"One answer should do for both.", replies the stranger smugly. "While we were parking, I bet my friend fifty grand that before an hour of playing went by, I'd have the owner of the casino by the balls."

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